Does your cat own you? What has caused us to enthrone cats as the most popular pet on the planet? Why do we devote so much of our time and income to grooming, feeding, coddling, photographing, praising, providing laps for, and “entertaining” our cats? If an anthropologist from outer space were to study our civilization objectively, would she not conclude that our devotion to Cat amounted to nothing less than a full-blown religion? Would she be wrong? Catakism, the belief system, is rooted in a bold premise: namely, that felines are humanity’s biological and spiritual masters. By allowing Man to handle all of Her low-level needs, Cat is free to do the higher-level spiritual work that Man has no time for, such as meditating seventeen hours a day, teleporting into locked rooms and cabinets, communing with disembodied spirits, and reeducating humanity on the true purpose of boxes, bags, and keyboards.