How to Write the Perfect Novel brings you Craftsmanship through Negative Learning(TM)! By showing you the worst excesses of ‘popular fiction’ it liberates the aspiring writer to either unleash hell in a shower of purple prose, or embrace a more rarefied but less mainstream output – no moral judgements offered, and untold wealth guaranteed! Of course, it’s also a wildly funny read for the guilty lover of trashy novels, parodying thrillers, romances, crime, science fiction, erotica and even the Booker Prize with equal aplomb. Naming names and showing no mercy to the perpetrators, it will submerge you in such brain-numbing brilliance you may never browse through a library in quite the same way again…. -How to Write Dumber Than You Are -Writing for The First Wall (of Your Local Big Chain Bookstore) -How to Totally Win The Booker Prize -Writing Porn for Fun And Profit -Writing Bloodless Crime for Bloody Big Money -Aphorisms to Ape and Forget -Embracing Your Purple Cow -How Promotion Can Sell Your Worst Writing to People Who Hate You -How to Write Like Nora Roberts and Get Sort Of Rich and Sort Of Famous PLUS… -Specially commissioned bestselling comic verse by Thomas Hood, Dead Poet -An after afterword by incredibly famous movie auteur INGMAR BERGMAN!!! -And a collection of such potted classics as Riche Biche Quiche, Doggod, Little Goose and many, many more…